After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child
and you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
-After a while by Veronica A. Shoffstall.

and thats my goal - to learn.

hello hello xanga :]
since i have work at 5 am today, i've decided im just going to stay up and see how things go
get ready for an emo blogg - ive been thinking a lot lately.
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anyway, i watched this really cool movie this evening with some good friends and this movie pretty much said to "dont let any obstacles in your path break you or prevent you from fighting for who you love no matter what." no matter what. its funny how i can still write pages and pages on this topic after its been so long. i really dont know if this is supposed to be a sign to show me that i need to do something about it, or if its just me being a crazy, desperate little girl that doesnt know how to move on with her life.  frankly, i just keep going back and forth between these two ideas and remembering tiny things about him that showed he cared like how he used to read this thing like almost religiously, and how he remembered and listened and understood everything i ever told him most of the time. then i wonder if he still reads this and if he thinks im the crazy, desperate little girl that needs to move on already that i think i am most of the time or if it makes him smile or remember or miss me just a teeeeeeny little bit. i kno its been over a year - its kinda still hard to believe its been that long - and so many things, factors, and people have changed including myself, but i just dont know still. im still in the same place as before except now im not hurting myself anymore by stumbling blindly into these crazy trips, highs and lows.

i was talking with a friend about this like decemberish and then again whenever we have the time to just chill and conversate and he's still running around blindly after 2 years when his relationship lasted just a few months shorter than mine was. it even ended in the same sort of way - with a lot of guilt on our part and how we both learned to cope. its funny how one person can grab you like that and how no matter what happens in the end - no matter if its yours or the other persons fault - you can still be ripped apart. i feel like thats gunna be me next year though - still stumbling around drunken and lonely because i cant seem to pick myself up out of this rut and forgive myself or at least move on. alkwjdawimcselfjsrgipeirpoerpewoir at least the entries are getting fewer about this particular subject. its just sucks that theyre still around and nothing is changing or getting better for me (in terms of this subject anyway, honestly everything else aside from this is going pretty smoothly). i hope he's doing ok though. i really do hope he's moved on like that one dream i had of him showed me.. or at least doing ok which im sure he is. i just, i dont know. i miss it. and i highly doubt im ever gunna find someone that meshes with me quite as well as he did. i know i can find someone i get along with, but can i really get myself to stop comparing people to him, laughing at old jokes we made, or even feeling that i love him? i know this might be stupid but i honestly believe the whole situation of being 'in love' is a one time thing. i think you might have believed you were in love once, but if it didnt work out somehow you werent really "in love" with that person. you might have loved them, but you werent in love. and when i can honestly tell myself im not "in love" then i guess ill be ok. wow, that sounded major emo status right there. im freaking depressing. no wonder im not ok. HA! but uh yea, seriously? ill be ok when i can tell myself that.. OR ill be ok if it really is like a korean love story and they all live happily ever after somehow.